


When I Fall Asleep

by Quitebrilliantindeed



Category: Xenosaga
Genre: Awkward Conversations, Brothers, Confrontations, Gen, Loss, Mind Games, Post-Canon, Sleep, Sleep Deprivation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-20
Updated: 2013-11-20
Packaged: 2018-01-02 03:29:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,163
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1051994
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Quitebrilliantindeed/pseuds/Quitebrilliantindeed
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jr. discovers the one place he can talk freely with his brother. It isn't as great as he imagined. Post-Canon.</p>
            </blockquote>





	When I Fall Asleep

**Author's Note:**

> Yet another fic idea that I came up with ridiculously early in the morning!  
> Unfortunately, I don't think Albedo knows how to show love and affection in any way other than... well, being Albedo.  
> Hope you guys enjoy!  
> \---

There he sat: wide-eyes, dark circles, a vacant gaze, and his back fused into a near-perfect  slouch.

This could not last any longer, because this was _not_ something Jr. would be keen on explaining.

He flicked open a screen and checked the time—barely 4:00 in the morning. Ugh.  He ran a hand over his hair and dragged it oh so slowly down his face. This was not what he wanted at all.

He could always go back to sleep… he could try to get some peace and quiet. This was the first time… it… had happened. Maybe it would be the only… no. Wait. He didn’t want _that._ He just wanted it to be… better.

Jr. held a hand to his chest, fingers clutching at the place where the thin fabric of his nightgown cloaked his other—silently beating—heart. This was everything he ever wanted—never before had he felt so _complete._ His body and soul had always been far too large for his conscious alone, and no matter who or what he surrounded it with, the loneliness has still, in some way, prevailed. It crushed him—it crushed Albedo even more. And now…

The hole was gone.

He remembered it like a dream—he opened his eyes in the midst of his slumber, only to find himself still sound asleep. For the briefest of seconds, as he lay on the warm white floor, bathing in the light that it steadily poured onto him, Jr. thought himself dead.

“Yo, Rubedo.”

Jr. sat up, raising his head to frantically look for the source. Albedo’s voice was so loud and clear, he thought his eardrums might burst—it was as if his words had come, amplified, from Jr’s own mouth, and not another’s.

“Here,” Albedo called, singsong and sweet. Jr. turned. His brother lay on the same impossible floor, but an arm’s length behind him. A curious sense of relief flooded Jr’s bones, and he sank back to the ground, the top of his head brushing against Albedo’s.

“Hey.” Jr. replied softly, lazily letting his eyes drift open and closed. Lights pulsed and shone all around him, whiter than snow.

“That’s all I get?” Albedo whined.

“Of course, dummy. You’re in me. I don’t need to say anything else.”

Jr. heard him sigh. “I’m tired,” He explained. “Night’s the only time I feel like talking, y’know.”

Jr. bit his lip. “I’m still asleep then, huh?”

“Something like that.”

With a grunt, Jr. curled his hands into fists. “Not very helpful, are we?”

“Have I ever been?”

Fair point.

“It feels good, doesn’t it?” Albedo continued. “I’ve never been so happy—living inside of you is a positive _dream_!” He stretched out his arm, plopping them carelessly down onto Jr’s light-streaked shoulders. “And you like it too, don’t even pretend otherwise.”

“I’m not!” It was true—almost strangely so. He just felt… felt a bit guilty. That was all.

“I’m so lucky, Rubedo. I’m glad I’m with you, instead of you with me—I get to feel everything you feel… I get _experience_ you!”

“…I’m glad?”

“See, right now even!” Albedo drew in his hands and flipped onto his stomach head positioned right over Jr’s own. “I can _feel_ you! I can tell you’re upset,” He paused. “You’re thinking about the _baby_ aren’t you?” A devilish grin curled onto his face like a snake. “Is it fair? That we get to live in our own paradise, at the cost of his life? You’re not sure if you’re happy about it, are you?” Albedo tilted his head, bringing it down to rest in the crook of Jr’s neck. He shivered as Albedo’s lips and nose brushed against the spot where his heart had risen to beat out a panicked storm, and quickly turned away.

“Shut up.” Jr. closed his eyes, blocking out the suddenly suffocating glow of his surroundings. It shouldn’t have stung so much—this brutality. He should have expected it by now.

“Aw, I’ve hit a sore spot it seems…” Albedo tutted. Jr. didn’t need to look—he could feel him shift and move, turning so their backs were pressed together.

“You… have no right to talk about Gaignun like that.” Jr. growled. “He gave you this—and for no _fucking reason._ ”

“Oho, but I’m not slandering his name in the least, Rubedo!” Albedo’s sour laugh rang through his head. “It’s your problem, not mine!” Albedo’s presence was suddenly heavy on Jr’s consciousness, pressing him into a corner with a near burning heat. His thoughts slowly dissolved into little more than whimpers and cries of ‘no, no, no’ over and over again…

Jr. shook his head. “No, I—“

“You what? Nigredo was such a good man? A better man than _me_ …?”

“I—“ Jr. stammered.

“There’s no need to rush—I already know the answer. He was a far _better_ man than me, I’ll never argue that! Yet to you, to you he’s nothing at all, not when he’s standing next to _me!”_ He laughed again, its sound somehow both saccharine and poison wrapped into one. “It’s rather touching really… a good man dies for the wishes of a vile soul, and you don’t care one bit!”

“Stop—stop comparing you two!” Jr. shouted, wrapping his arms around his body, and hiding within the improvised cocoon. “It’s not like that—it’s not like that at all…” A soft sob began to trickle into his voice, prompting him to bite down on his lower lip to keep it from escaping in full.

“Oh dear…”

Hesitantly, Jr’s let his eyes crack open. The light, once overpowering and pure had been replaced by the dark of his bedroom, and the ambient silence with the steady hum of the Elsa’s engines.

He rubbed at his eyes, rose from bed, stumbled into his slippers, and shuffled out the door.

And so, here he was. Alone. Awake. At 4:00 in the morning. Utterly haunted. Practically destroyed.

It took time. Time, and deep breaths, but he found the strength to rise from his seat by the viewport, crawl back to his room, and huddle beneath the covers of his bed.

No sleep came.

\---

“How bad is it?”

Shion placed a hand underneath her chin, scrutinizing Jr’s face from her seat across the table. “Yeah, you look… pretty awful.” She concluded. “You didn’t sleep well then?”

“Yeah,” Jr. answered, stuffing a forkful of potato into his mouth. God, it was only noon and he already felt like walking death. “Just didn’t happen, I guess.”

“Take a break then,” Shion suggested, eyes eager to help, and all-too-clearly aware that something far worse was afoot than what Jr. had divulged. Silently, he cursed her perceptiveness yet again. “You don’t need to take a nap if you don’t want to, but at least take the day off. We can’t have you falling asleep on the bridge anyway!”

Jr. chuckled halfheartedly. “Yeah… yeah. Thanks. I might do have to do that.”

Shion nodded a response—then paused, eyes searching him thoroughly. Damn. A question was surely on the way. “Are you… having an argument?” She carefully placed extra emphasis on the final word, her knowing eyes burrowing two perfect holes in Jr’s skin.

Jr. opened his mouth to brush her comment away, but, for once, no words came out. He awkwardly shut it, and gave a measured smile.

Shion carefully placed her silverware onto her plate, folded her hands, and looked away. It seems it was no use then. She had him cornered. “I know I can’t do anything, but…” Her brow furrowed deeper, making Jr. twitch with a sudden onset of guilt. “You two made up once, right? You two… you always figure it out. I mean, if history tells us anything.” She twisted her mouth thoughtfully. “I think…I think that we all try too hard to do things ‘the right way.’ We want to express our feelings and take care of ore loved ones, but…we don’t usually succeed—at least not entirely. And when that happens, we just end up pushing those people away.” Her eyes flickered down for the briefest of seconds. “Especially siblings. Ahaha…yes. We never know how to show love to each other, do we?”

Oh no. He didn’t mean to drag her down this road—that wouldn’t be fair at all.

“Hey. Shion, you don’t need to…”

“It’s fine, it’s fine!” She scratched at the back of her head, revealingly self-conscious of her words and actions. For better or worse, she quickly cast her gloom aside, and turned her gaze back to Jr’s. “It’ll be okay. Whatever it is, I mean— It’ll be fine. You just maybe… maybe need to stand up. You know? Make your feelings clear and tell him what’s wrong.”

“Yeah.” Jr. agreed, as his fingers silently drove themselves deeper into his palms. It sounded so easy when she put it like that. “Yeah, I… I’m sure you’re right.”

Shion smiled, but her eyes remained as melancholy as ever.

When she left for the bridge, Jr. remained at the little table, eyes fixed on the viewport until the evening hours could arrive to take him away.

\---

“Yo… Albedo!”

The figure materializing out of the light grinned at Jr’s mimicked greeting , and promptly returned the favour:

“Yo, Rubedo.”

They were standing this time—there could be no gentle words or relaxation in the land until his mind was properly settled.

Albedo strode up to him with the same confidence and swagger he had seemed to have developed in the later years of his life. He cocked his head playfully, eyes crinkling with the wry smile that grew on his face. “I’m so glad you’ve come to play again so soon. I was afraid I’d scared you off!”

“Hah,” Jr. smirked, wishing ever so slightly that he could match the height of his brother. He’d have to make up for it with words “You could never do that. You’re _my_ little brother, remember?”

“Family sticks together then, eh Rubedo?”

“Yeah,” Somewhere along the way, Albedo had taken his hand into his own. When, Jr. didn’t have the faintest idea, but he put up no resistance. “That’s all you want, isn’t it?”

Albedo rubbed his thumb back and forth across Jr’s with an almost obsessive fascination. Beyond that, he only smiled.

“You just don’t know how to do it _right_ ,” Jr. pulled his hand away, sending a ripple of annoyance across Albedo’s face. Now was not the time to let up—he couldn’t let Albedo win. “You’ve been hating us for so long that you can’t even remember how you’re supposed to love anyone, can you?” Silence. Good. “So you get what you want—I get what I want—we get to be together! But you ruin it, because the only way you can tell me that you love me is to make me _choose_ between you and Gaignun. But guess what? I can’t just _do_ that, _okay?_ ”

In near perfect unison, they sank to their knees. Cautiously, like dealing with a scorned animal, Jr. reached out, and took his brother’s hands into his own. “I loved Gaignun. I loved Sakura. I love MOMO, I love Juli, and Old Man Ziggy, and chaos, and Canaan, and Shion! I love them all! And _I love you._ But they’re all different—I can’t compare them. I can’t choose one over the other—I can’t, I haven’t, and I _won’t._ ” His breath came out heavy and labored as his voice slowly rose in volume and passion. “Gaignun chose this for _us._ It was up to him, not to me, you, or otherwise. So I’m gonna respect what he wanted, whether I’m happy about it or not.”

A new emotion finally reached Albedo’s faced—suspicion. It swept over him like a wave, threatening to burst out at any moment, but Jr. interrupted before he could even so much as take a breath. “I’m not happy or sad, Albedo! Because it’s not good or bad—nothing is, and you know that.”

“Ah, but is it one over the other?” Albedo sneered back, hands trembling under Jr’s. “Because that is entirely possible, I’m afraid.”

“If it were up to me…” Jr. sighed. “It’d be all of us. Me, you, Gaignun, and Citrine—I’d take that any day. But it’s not. So this is as good as it gets, you hear me? And we gotta treasure that.” He squeezed Albedo’s hands. “And wait. Yeah… wait. For when we can _all_ play together again, just like Gaignun said. Yeah…?”

Albedo looked up at him, his face void of any malice, and oh so reminiscent of their innocent childhood days—

Jr. blinked. The light had faded once again, leaving him only to the simple cover of his blankets and the darkness.

His heart—hearts—somehow felt lighter. He closed his eyes and reached out for the consciousness sleeping in his mind—it was there. Curled up. Content.

That was a good place to start.


End file.
